... And where i let go

So it's 0119 in the morning... I have to be up in... 3 1/2 hours. yeah, this is my sleep schedule. The days when I can sleep in until such and such o'clock in the morning before I have to get to work I'll be asleep by 2100 and the days I gotta get up at batshit early I can't sleep. Life goes on.
Anyways.. I didn't start this post to bitch about my terrible sleeping schedule, I came here to talk about me and my self control. Which is to say... I don't really have alot, if any... at all. Sometimes it's infuriating and other times it's whatever. I've made it fairly public knowledge that when i get out of the Corps I'm going to try and get a house in Co. and be a Firefighter out there. Which I can do with out a problem if I.. could just keep my money.. I know why it goes so fast, and I know that I need to start doing various things to keep it so that I only spend so much but I enjoy my weekends maybe a little too much and that certainly makes it difficult.
You know how it is, you're out doing this or that and you notice something that you want and think, "Hey! I have the money for that!" and then you buy it.. a couple days down the road, "Shit... I'm broke.. :/" It kinda looks like this 0 <- thats a circle, not a zero.
The money analogy works pretty well for how I operate. Self Control == Nil. I thought about it, and it's pretty much why I failed college and why I never tried at school. This part won't make much sense, but because of how little control I had over a lot of my life, I took control of what I could by not trying, or just letting go and letting it get away from me. Also another 0.
I've known this for a long time, and I've never really tried to change it, instead I just ignored it and shoved it to that part of my head that I forget about. I just realized that that was pretty much what I've been doing... I've got a few addictions that because of how little self-control I have, I let get the better of me... almost every single time. It's terrible. But I'm working out the best way to get past myself and so get a hold of myself.... if that makes sense? I hope it does, because that's the best way I can think to phrase it.

Anyways, It's 0154 here, so I'm going to play Rack Ops for a couple of hours before i have to be back up to work the day away in the field, with a rifle, that has a firing pin, and with rounds, that go boom and put holes into things. Can't wait, love the field, love doing real training, love what we military type refer to "the suck." It's what I do.
Dueces, be cool, stay safe, and stay sane!
                                        ~le scottie out.

Let it enfold you

Who am I? What am I doing? What do I want? These three questions have been running through my mind so much lately it's been hard to sleep. Key writing some stupid post at 1:50 in the morning with the foreknowledge that tomorrow is going to be ridiculously busy and tiring. I know who I am to a degree.. I'm Jonathan James Scott, my parents Doug and Linda Scott are still together and (to my knowledge) happily married and going strong.. if not stronger as the years go by. I have 6 biological siblings, Becky, Steve, Annie, Sarah, Isaac, and Julia. I have 3 In-Laws, Zech, Paula, and Thomas. My sister Annie lives in Arizona with her hubby Thomas. The other two live not too far from my parents. I am a Marine in the United States Marine Corps, currently stationed in the United States capitol, Washington, DC. I am an extremist in thoughts, though rarely in action. I don't always do the right thing, and as much as I hate to admit it.... I don't always stand up for my principles. I know its because I haven't solidified them in my mind yet. I've got issues I've buried and have only recently started to acknowledge due to some quality conversations with unexpected people. I'm not perfect, nor would I ever want to be... I like my flaws, I like being human. To be "perfect" is to be, in my mind atleast, more than human... I don't want that.
What am I doing? This ones easy, I'm a United States Marine who escorts his fallen brothers to their final resting place if They've done their time and are given the "privilege" of being buried at Arlington National Cemetery. I do stupid parades and ceremonies that mean next to nothing to me, but apparently mean a lot to the Men and Women who are so fortunate to get to view either or. Sometimes I feel like we're just some stupid shiny toy to show off at some foreign high ranking persons arrival/representatives retirement/etc. And sometimes I can actually feel a weight on my shoulders for what we're doing. Even though I'm not at a deployable station at the moment, and my attention and energy aren't being spent to actively protect my Family, Friends, and their circles of influence, and more.. I am still learning skills that will someday help me do just that. Thats it, thats what I'm doing.
What do I want? I want to someday settle down with the most gorgeous wife ever on some hill in (preferably) Colorado and be a Father and a Firefighter. I'm no superhero, so I'll settle for the next best thing in my eyes, a Marine Firefighter. None of this yet is out of reach, and unless something unforeseeable happens between now and then, it will never be.

That I think is me at this moment. Somewhere between meh and Happy. I used to say that I absolutely abhorred and hated myself. Now, it's somewhere between accepted and satisfied with who and what I am. More pushing and more trucking and dumping left to do before I'm even okay with myself though. No big deal, I made it through more things in the last year I never would have thought myself capable of before to know that I can always push farther than I initially thought I could. And knowing that makes everything easier. And knowing that you, the reader of this stupid post, gave enough of a shit about me to have made it to the end of this rambling, possibly incoherent, train of thought.


Goodnight and fairwell,
           Le Scottster out!

PS. nowhere in this is there an accidental uppercase letter, though admittedly, i may have forgotten to capitalize various lowercase letters here and there...

This is why we fight.

Today I went for a walk. It was supposed to be just a normal any day walk from Point A to Point B. And i guess that for all intents and purposes it was. Except for one small thing. I saw a man sitting on against a wall playing with, of all things, his bunny rabbit. It was a black and white spotted rabbit... with grass on its back. The man looked so incredibly content. Like everything was perfect in the world. I envied him for a brief second before my mind switched gears and I thought... "This is what I signed up to protect.. This stranger who's out playing with his rabbit, having the most fantastic time." This struck me hard, the small glimpse I had into this mans day. As I kept walking to Church my mind kept running through all of the people I knew, didn't know, will never know.. the places I'd been, the places I haven't been, the places I'll never go.. The rundown, the trodden on, the beaten, the strong, the well off, the soft spoken, the outspoken people of, well, the entire planet. The earth. Not just the United States of America, I thought of everyone. I know that I'm not the first to give up what I had back home to Serve, fight, die, live... dedicate my life to protecting everyone and everything back here on this side of the pond and across. I got this idea, just a small spark, that consumed my mind the entire length of what I had left of my walk.
 I am going to start working on a project called "This Is Why WE Fight." The idea is to make a video montage of the best and the worst, the greatest and the least, of the people that we who have dedicated our lives to protect. It's not something that I can do alone, so in the most humble way possible, I ask that you help. Take a picture here or there of your friends at a party, your kids playing in the backyard, the homeless man who sleeps on the park bench, anything really. If you could do this and send it to thisiwwefight@gmail.com i would be eternally grateful to you.
Please if you can, share this with your friends, I need as much help as possible to make this to Honor the men who fight and die for our Country.

Tomorrow is only a day away.

i did just say that and i know have that song stuck in my head >.< crap... anyways. just writing to say, i leave tomorrow. i'll miss you and i love you. be back in 3 months.

I want to know what its like to walk in the footsteps that were made...

I leave in less than a week. this is crazy. I never would have seen myself joining the military, much less the Marines. the next week is going to fly, i've got stuff going on every day/night all week. honestly, i don't know if i can fit any more into it if i even tried. I'm so incredibly stoked to be leaving though, waiting just under a full year to finally leave. Admittedly i've been slightly hesitant, i mean i'm leaving family and friends to finally go off and do my own thing. as much as my own thing getting yelled at and told what to do can be. But as it stands this is what i want to do more than anything i've ever done. I see this as my test to prove to myself that I am capable of not being a failure. I'm also doing this because its something i want to do, not something i'm doing just because somebody else wanted me to do it or because it was expected of me. I know that joining the military, the Marines especially, is something that alot of people don't want me to do. They have the very valid fears that I will come back a changed man, maybe bitter, maybe more confrontational, maybe more of an ass. This is also to say that they have the even more valid fear that i might not come back at all. Of all of the fears and apprehensions that I can and will give credence to, this is the big one. I've thought about it more times than i can count, i've thought about posting something about it even more. I haven't figured out how best to approach the topic, and to be honest i'm probably going to just make you worry more than anything by approaching it now. I'm not going into this with my head in the clouds thinking i'm immortal and that i can't get hurt. I'm much too self aware for that. I am most definitely not, however, scared of death. I've spent hours at a time thinking about it, and there are fewer ways i'd prefer to die than doing something that i am passionate about, and protecting those close to me is most definitely something i'm passionate about. One of the main reasons why i'm going into the Service is because of that. As i am now, i do not feel aptly capable of being able to defend, or protect in almost any manor really, those closest to me. That in itself bothers me to no end. I want to be the type of guy that people have more than just second thoughts about hurting those closest to me just because they're close to me. I'm not saying i want to be one of those imposing ass' whose temper flares at the slightest provocation. I don't want to be this guy if i have to sacrifice who i am now to get there. I don't even want to really be imposing i guess, i just want the reputation that says "These people are not to be messed with because they're connected to this guy." I also realize that some piece of garbage out there will think "They aren't to be messed with eh? well, we'll see about that!" but having that said i don't want to be renown or anything because that attracts that type of attention i don't want. I don't want to a super hero. granted it'd be awesome. i just want to live with my family somewhere not secluded but maybe a little bit from the edge of humanity. not way out there.. but not way close to it either.

The only thing that i've ever been worried about is that i might not have the strength of character to stand up for my character and myself when the time comes. I've proven time and again when i'm alone that i don't. While i realize that this is an incredibly extreme switch, i'll be around tons of people all the time, when we get to post basic training things will be happening all of the time that will disagree with what i stand for. One of the little quirks i've always had is that i am a very extreme person in my thought process. while not a very extreme person in action, i've always had a slightly extreme thought process. sometimes it gets me into trouble, other times it gets me out. but i see both ends of the spectrum when i weigh out the consequences of most any action i take. the best example of this is that if i can go through basic, which will be the hardest physical and mental assault i have ever undertaken, than i can easily destroy this beast that i've so far refused to let go. The beast that i'm referring to is exactly that one thing i almost always dance around in topic of conversation and will only hint to in the vaguest of terms. you know what i'm talking about. its the exact reason why i've decided to stray away from computers as any sort of chosen profession. I'm tired of hating myself because i feel like a failure. If i can make it through Basic training than kicking the habit will be a cake walk in comparison. that isn't to say it won't be hard, just not as difficult.

i can honestly say that i wasn't expecting this post to become as lengthy as it has when i started. this is just something i know i've tried to explain and not done a very good job of, but to be honest, i'm not sure how complete this explanation of it is. more later, i'm going to bed now. its 3:40.

Please come home..

so i'm pretty much just reaffirming that i suck at guitar. hah, i sort of have the song down, but not really... and don't ask me to try to sing at the same time, your ears might bleed. hah.. i can't do both at the same time and i can only some times do either separate ;).

And So it Begins!

well, i've been toying with this idea for a realllly long time. i think i'm going to try to write a book. i know everyone does it so its kinda lame but i really want to. its going to get spread out over a long period of time like years sort of thing.. and this is assuming i don't forget about it, which happens more often than not. but i doubt google will let me. and you better not either. anyways, the url is www.asoitb.blogspot.com don't have anything yet. its pretty much just going to be a place for me to jot down my notes nothing interesting but if you decide you would like to watch the progression of my most excellent (and lame) story telling you're more than welcome to come along for the ride ;)