Let it enfold you

Who am I? What am I doing? What do I want? These three questions have been running through my mind so much lately it's been hard to sleep. Key writing some stupid post at 1:50 in the morning with the foreknowledge that tomorrow is going to be ridiculously busy and tiring. I know who I am to a degree.. I'm Jonathan James Scott, my parents Doug and Linda Scott are still together and (to my knowledge) happily married and going strong.. if not stronger as the years go by. I have 6 biological siblings, Becky, Steve, Annie, Sarah, Isaac, and Julia. I have 3 In-Laws, Zech, Paula, and Thomas. My sister Annie lives in Arizona with her hubby Thomas. The other two live not too far from my parents. I am a Marine in the United States Marine Corps, currently stationed in the United States capitol, Washington, DC. I am an extremist in thoughts, though rarely in action. I don't always do the right thing, and as much as I hate to admit it.... I don't always stand up for my principles. I know its because I haven't solidified them in my mind yet. I've got issues I've buried and have only recently started to acknowledge due to some quality conversations with unexpected people. I'm not perfect, nor would I ever want to be... I like my flaws, I like being human. To be "perfect" is to be, in my mind atleast, more than human... I don't want that.
What am I doing? This ones easy, I'm a United States Marine who escorts his fallen brothers to their final resting place if They've done their time and are given the "privilege" of being buried at Arlington National Cemetery. I do stupid parades and ceremonies that mean next to nothing to me, but apparently mean a lot to the Men and Women who are so fortunate to get to view either or. Sometimes I feel like we're just some stupid shiny toy to show off at some foreign high ranking persons arrival/representatives retirement/etc. And sometimes I can actually feel a weight on my shoulders for what we're doing. Even though I'm not at a deployable station at the moment, and my attention and energy aren't being spent to actively protect my Family, Friends, and their circles of influence, and more.. I am still learning skills that will someday help me do just that. Thats it, thats what I'm doing.
What do I want? I want to someday settle down with the most gorgeous wife ever on some hill in (preferably) Colorado and be a Father and a Firefighter. I'm no superhero, so I'll settle for the next best thing in my eyes, a Marine Firefighter. None of this yet is out of reach, and unless something unforeseeable happens between now and then, it will never be.

That I think is me at this moment. Somewhere between meh and Happy. I used to say that I absolutely abhorred and hated myself. Now, it's somewhere between accepted and satisfied with who and what I am. More pushing and more trucking and dumping left to do before I'm even okay with myself though. No big deal, I made it through more things in the last year I never would have thought myself capable of before to know that I can always push farther than I initially thought I could. And knowing that makes everything easier. And knowing that you, the reader of this stupid post, gave enough of a shit about me to have made it to the end of this rambling, possibly incoherent, train of thought.


Goodnight and fairwell,
           Le Scottster out!

PS. nowhere in this is there an accidental uppercase letter, though admittedly, i may have forgotten to capitalize various lowercase letters here and there...