More so than most this last month has been the most emotionally exhausting and drama filled month i think i've ever had. i practically stabbed one of my closest friends in the back, fell pretty hard for a girl, tried to catch myself, and then had to scramble to try and fix everything. i highly doubt the wounds are healed, and if i wouldn't blame Goon if they stayed raw for a while still. The whole girl thing wouldn't have been any sort of big deal, other than my going away in April, if she didn't happen to be Goons ex. and even that wouldn't have been quite as big a deal if he had been the one to break up with her, and if he hadn't gotten hurt from the post break up. needless to say i managed to make one of the biggest fails of my life and almost lost a close friend because of her. As strong as my feelings still seem to be, and as much as i wish things could have turned out differently, my mind can't seem to disengage. i have all sorts of fantasies, i don't think there's any other way to classify it, where things had worked out, or where i kept going where i was, or where everyone was just peachy, or etc. its stupid, i realize that i need to just let go, disengage, whatever. its not going to happen easy, i wish it was and i wish it would, but i don't know.... I'm struggling with forgiving myself because i know i hurt my friend and it almost turned out to be worse than it is. I hate that i can't just let go, i hate that even though i could potentially hurt my friend more than anything i'm still having these thoughts. stupid girls.... as much as i hate the situation that i was, i still hate myself for getting into it. I know what you'd say and i know what you have said, that i shouldn't hate myself, especially not over something as dumb as a girl. i don't know.. this was all a bunch of rambling, i hope you can make sense of it. its all kind of jumbled up inside of me and theres even more still in there. this week is going to be meh. i really hadn't pictured my weeks off before i leave to be like this. i hope the next two weeks will be much more joyful and enjoyable. and as much as i've complained about the whole thing, and as much as i hate it, i wouldn't trade it for anything. i know what i value, and i will not give up my friends easily. especially not my close ones. i'll get over it but i hope it happens before i leave. i don't want to head off to boot camp feeling like i do. it won't do me any good. just.... just do what you do please. i'm sorry if this burdens you any, this is mine and mine alone.
the end, scottie. /sigh.
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